Anonymous: Humor
You are only crazy if you never accept the fact that being right has never been an effective defense for sanity.
detail
Anonymous: Humor
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned one will take only twice as long.
(Brasington's Ninth Law)
detail
Anonymous: Humor
It might be more worthwhile if we stopped wringing our hands and started ringing our congressmen.
detail
Anonymous: Humor
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
detail
Ralphie: Humor
Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
(from A Christmas Story)
detail
Ralphie: Humor
My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium
(from A Christmas Story)
detail
Ralphie: Humor
In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan
(from A Christmas Story)
detail
Kingsley Amis: Humor
Hangover cure: Rigorous sex, hydration, hot bath, then “go up for half an hour in an open aeroplane. (needless to say, with a non-hungover person at the controls).
detail
John Perry Barlow: Humor
Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.
detail
Max Beerbohm: Humor
You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men.
detail
Bugs Bunny: Humor
No matter how many times you swing a hammer, you simply cannot pound any common sense into stupid people.
detail
Bugs Bunny: Humor
Welcome to my shop
Let me cut your mop
Let me shave your crop
Daintily, daintily
Hey you!
Don’t look so perplexed
Why would you be vexed?
Can’t you see you’re next?
Oh yes you are next
Yes, you’re next
You’re so next
(Rabbit of Seville (1949, aired 1950))
detail
T-Bone Burnett: Humor
I'm beginning to get the feeling that as soon as something appears in the paper it ceases to be true.
detail
Russell Chatham: Humor
You know why there are so many whitefish in the Yellowstone River? Because the Fish and Game people have never done anything to help them.
(Silent Seasons, 1978)
detail
Winston Churchill: Humor
Shaw: I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.
Churchill: Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.
detail
Thomas Clifford: Humor
It's every American's duty to support his government, but not necessarily in the style to which it has become accustomed.
detail
Rodney Dangerfield: Humor
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
detail
Rodney Dangerfield: Humor
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
detail
Rodney Dangerfield: Humor
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
detail
Rodney Dangerfield: Humor
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
detail
Rodney Dangerfield: Humor
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
detail
Rodney Dangerfield: Humor
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
detail
Rodney Dangerfield: Humor
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
detail
Rodney Dangerfield: Humor
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
detail
Prime Minister Benjamin Disreali: Humor
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
detail
Sam Ewing: Humor
The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
detail
William Faulkner: Humor
Faulkner: He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
Hemingway: Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
detail
William Feather: Humor
One of the indictments of civilizations is that happiness and intelligence are so rarely found in the same person.
detail
WC Fields: Humor
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
detail
WC Fields: Humor
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
detail
WC Fields: Humor
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
detail
Charles Frankel: Humor
Because of our Congressional committee system, our government is closer to a gerontocracy than a democracy.
detail
Ernest Hemingway: Humor
Faulkner: He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
Hemingway: Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
detail
Cullen Hightower: Humor
The mistakes made by Congress wouldn't be so bad if the next Congress didn't keep trying to correct them.
detail
Hank Hill: Humor
Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep themselves busy while their husbands cooked supper.
detail
Christopher Hoctor: Humor
The Harley mantra, “Live to ride, ride to live”, I find is a cheap adolescent colloquialism, but terribly accurate
detail
Christopher Hoctor: Humor
Gen. Eisenhower once joked: “Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.” I say, “If things today are not the way we anticipated, what good are the plans we made yesterday?”
detail
Christopher Hoctor: Humor
In any lifetime our language endures change, some good, and some bad; but in our lifetime, is suffering an apocalyptic decay. Like, totally!
detail
Christopher Hoctor: Humor
The Lord created the mighty waters, and lo, man crafted boats that he may venture forth and survive the arduous journey across the sea. The Lord was not finished; He breathed upon his creation and created Monday, and lo, man crafted coffee that he may survive the onslaught of perky bastards.
detail
Christopher Hoctor: Humor
I curse thee Monday, but yield unto thee; have mercy and be gentle, for no Sunday ever prepares us for thy bitter sting.
detail
Christopher Hoctor: Humor
Sunday, Sunday we cannot ignore
That Monday is beating upon thy door
If God had mercy upon the score
He would make Monday be no more
detail
Christopher Hoctor: Humor
Sunday is like that friend, the one you really like but is always hanging around that homely outcast. For Sunday, we know, introduces you to her friend; Monday.
detail
Christopher Hoctor: Humor
Welcome ye unto New Jersey. Left shalt thou not turn, but turneth right and behold, left will open its gates to thee.
detail
Christopher Hoctor: Humor
If some people didn't have a supremely dull wit, they would have nothing to claim which elevated them to such heights.
detail
Stephen King: Humor
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.
(Storm of the Century: An Original Screeplay)
detail
Richard Lamm: Humor
Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it.
detail
Andrew Lang: Humor
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.
detail
Jay Leno: Humor
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.
detail
Boris Marshalov: Humor
Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees.
detail
Groening Matt: Humor
A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
(Epitaph on Jeremiah Springfield’s statue, The Simpson’s, Fox TV Network)
detail
Melissa Gonzales Ortiz: Humor
I struggle every Saturday night, staying up as late as possible... hoping somehow that the inevitable won't come. But it does... Sweet Sunday arrives, only to slip away as quickly as it came.
detail
President Ronald Reagan: Humor
How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
detail
President Ronald Reagan: Humor
If the federal government had been around when the Creator was putting His hand to this state, Indiana wouldn't be here. It'd still be waiting for an environmental impact statement.
detail
President Ronald Reagan: Humor
If the Soviet Union let another political party come into existence, they would still be a one-party state, because everybody would join the other party.
detail
President Ronald Reagan: Humor
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
detail
President Ronald Reagan: Humor
Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.
detail
Will Rogers: Humor
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
detail
Will Rogers: Humor
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
detail
Will Rogers: Humor
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
detail
Charles Schultz: Humor
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?
detail
Ronnie Shakes: Humor
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
detail
George Bernard Shaw: Humor
Shaw: I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.
Churchill: Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.
detail
G. Nolst Trenité: Humor
If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.
After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud.
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Fe0ffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
(English Pronunciation)
detail
Mark Twain: Humor
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
(Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, Following the Equator, 1897)
detail
Mark Twain: Humor
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
detail
Mark Twain: Humor
If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
detail
Mark Twain: Humor
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....But then I repeat myself.
detail